WORKING ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

`````I am working tonight---not that I care. I find New Years Eve probably the most depressing of all the holidays going. Years ago I was babysitting for my Aunt and Uncle, as they were out with my parents and other friends of the family. There used to be a big dinner and dance which they all attended. I had done the obligatory counting down of the ball as it dropped, then found myself hunting around for something to watch. It was amazing how many times they could play the same movie over and over again. They seemed to be extra late getting home, and I soon discovered why.

`````When they finally walked through the door, I saw that they were not joyful and festive. Their eyes were sunken and downcast. While at the party, their friend had suffered a heart attack and died. Somebody had tried to perform first aid, but it had not helped. He had been healthy and had a physical job, yet there had been no warning signs. Of course, I was a teen at the time and he seemed ancient. He wasn't. He was such a funny man, who used to go camping with us sometimes. His wife and kids were also superb.

`````I've never been one for public displays of affection, and New Years is all about getting up close and personal. Not only am I expected to watch others carry on, but it's considered good form to kiss and hug people that are almost strangers. I have a large personal space around me. I've been asked to seriously consider whether or not I might have Asperger's. Getting overly familiar just because a clock has chimed is not my idea of a good time, especially when a person is drunk. It's not a good mix.

`````I function best when impaired and given my migraines, I cannot drink. Trust me, I'm much more fun under the influence. If I could be messed up on a daily basis, I'd get a much higher job performance rating. But, it isn't legal. Parties when sober are no fun.

`````If I'm going to be really honest, the last New Year's party I went to was ages ago, back in the blackout days of my troubled eating. Thanks to that, I still remember the bathroom stall everytime I hear the song "New Year's Day" by U2. It really was one of those epiphany moments. I had gained weight and thought I was obese, as I was up to a gigantic 92 pounds . This meant that drastic measures had to be taken, so I went out that day and ate nothing except some wonton soup at the Green Door. The fact that I remember this shows how crazed I was. The Green Door was in Chinatown, and had to be reached by going up a back alley which stank of urine. It was famous for its wonton, though getting there was risky. The inside of the restaurant featured only picnic tables.

`````The other item that I consumed that day was diet pop and stimulants. God only knows what those pills were; speed of some sort. One dollar each. Needless to say, the health risks for a person of my weight weren't great, especially when I went and walked the entire day to burn off that one bowl of soup. I then went to my friend's place, changed, and went out to dance. Now requiring more energy, I took more "medication." This is where the toilet comes into play. I began to feel odd---very odd. My stomach felt as though my intenstines were being twisted into knots. I found myself on the very dirty bathroom floor, vomiting. There was nothing to come up, of course.

`````I realized the irony of it all; I had lost weight to make myself feel better about things. So that I could fit in and feel more glib and talk. It worked for a while. Then I isolated myself. And here I was, in the toilet, all alone.

`````So, I hate New Years. I think about everybody who has died, every last way I've screwed up, etc. I'm going in to work early, so that somebody else can go home and have a good time. I just hope that I can avoid hearing that "Auld Lang Syne" song. It's a killer.

THE LYRICS SAY IT ALL

`
This song came out some time ago, well before the banking crisis. It certainly is true:
..."the roads jam up with credit, and there's nothing you can do." I hope the next
year is better somehow, but I doubt it.

RESOLUTIONS OR REVOLT?

`````It's so embarassing; the fact that I could find my notebooks from every year---and the same lists would be there. The ways in which I plan on improving my life, on fixing myself, on turning things around. I know I'm not the only person who does this. In fact, it's the first week or so that makes or breaks many a fitness club. They sell one year memberships to clientele, who join up with the best of intentions. If you wait about a month, great deals can be found on little used exercise equipment.

`````For people who succumb to "all or nothing" thinking, it's a trap. Because, if you eat just one cookie too much, you've blown it. You might as well go all hog and order a pizza to go with it and chow down. Then you wait for the next "marker" to start fresh---next Monday, for example. It really is crazy making.

`````There has to be different sorts of resolutions out there---ones I want to call "revolts." A way to totally alter my approach to my life. I always hide in the background. I forever rehearse what I want to say in my head before I say it; it's as though I'm running a teleprompter in my skull when I'm having a conversation. I'm never actually in the moment because of it. This needs to stop. I have to start being present and just talk.

`````I want to try to read a different poem every day. In doing so, maybe I'll accidentally come upon one of those magical lines that speaks to me, the way the ending of "The Great Gatsby" does.

`````I want to use Google Street View and just plunk it down on any old place, once a day, and see where I end up. I'll start with the United States and Canada, as it might be a place I can do a road trip. If it looks interesting, I'll read up on it. There's so many places I know nothing about.

`````I want to pick up foreign phrases and toss it into my conversation. Youtube allows me to do that. Once or twice a week, I want to find foreign conversation on there.

`````I really need to start letting people know what they mean to me. I'm so bad at expressing my feelings that I've been called sociopathic (and that's by my good friend). Expressing it after the fact, to myself, in a journal, does little good.

`````There's more that will come to me. It has to be better then torturing myself over not weighing what one of the Olsen twins does. A revolt sounds much more exciting than a resolution.

CONTRAILS, COAST-TO-COAST AND A PICNIC IN THE PARK

(Coast-to-Coast, for those who don't listen, is a talk show which focuses on the explained. It's sort of like a radio version of the X-Files)
`
I really am a sceptic, but this past summer an interesting event took place. I thought I would
share the photos. It was a totally clear day when I went to the Gardens. Not a cloud in the sky.


I was writing, when a plane went overhead. I snapped a photo, as I thought the line made an
interesting angle over the trees and power-lines.


I noticed something odd; there was a haze which began to spread from the trail. It did so more
then a usual jet trail. I could actually see it floating down.




Had it not been totally clear a minute before, a person could have thought it was a bit of a hazy
day outside.





Here you can see the plumes starting to come down a bit further along the way.





More photos of the same.

A close-up.

Planes kept going over.

It suddenly wasn't clear at all outside. The pattern was visible.

Here comes one more.

`

This, by the way, is taken about 10 to 15 minutes away from where I live.

DO GOOD THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES, OR ARE THEY JUST SICK AFTER ALL?

`

I like to compare how stories are written up in various papers and countries. The comment below was from "The New York Daily News." The readers in the "Daily Mail" (United Kingdom), were far more civilized. I would love to retort to this idiot in the following manner:

`````Ruhi, honey, your **** would never manage to do that, as a model would never let you within ten feet of her. In fact, I suspect the only "sword" you ever manage to swath is your Star Wars sabre.

Ruhi
2:31 AMDec 24, 2010
my **** would tear her in half... Yes, I said it.Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/forums/thread.jspa?threadID=119546#ixzz198QsoStE

NY Daily News - Discussions - Too skinny? Allie Crandell's ...

`

`````I suppose that had I watched reality television, this would not be my first introduction to Allie Crandell. But, since I don't watch the aforementioned, it is. However, I do like to blog about weight issues.

`````Most people have heard the story by now. Allie Crandell was modelling for a company and after complaints were received, she was told to gain weight. Customers had written that they would not buy clothing from any company that encouraged young women to be so emaciated. In Europe, cat-walks have attempted to address this issue by stating that models must have a healthy BMI. In reality, it does nothing to solve the issue. With the exception of a few plus-size (oh no---a whopping size 12) models, the weights have continued to drop over the years.

`````Many argue that models, being very young and tall (and perhaps, freaks of nature), are thin by nature and do not starve to achieve their physique. Others state that no matter what, it presents an unnatural and unrealistic image for young girls, thus encouraging eating disorders.

`````It's always hard to tell by photographs what's really going on. The camera adds weight, and good lighting and makeup can hide lack of sleep, lack of pounds and heavy drug usage. There is also the added usage of Photo-Shop, which can mask a number of misdeeds.

`````I'm really conflicted on this issue. In other jobs, people get called out over their health on a regular basis. For example, people may have to meet physical standards for insurance reasons. I don't, however, see how this one model is any different then any other model out there. I don't get why she's being targeted. There's many models who have fake breast implants, which might make them seem "curvier" and thus more acceptable to the male audience.

`````Realistically, I know that thin photos had nothing to do with the anorexia I suffered when I was in university. It had nothing to do with my episodes of compulsive over eating, bulimia (via laxatives) or practically any other disordered eating you can find in the DSM. Is is the fault of the fashion industry that it might drive some people to it? I don't think so. No more then advertising drives people to steal. We are all accountable for our own actions.

`````If the girl is ill and needs help, I hope she gets it for herself. It's highly hypocritical for the fashion industry to suddenly have her as a scapegoat, though. Who knows? I've become so cynical of the media that I can see it all as a set-up for another reality show.

`````So, while she may be the topic-du-jour, and people tsk, tsk, her weight, how many models have been rejected because they're too dark, too heavy, too short, too old, over-exposed.....? I guess they can feel self righteous in this one case.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE BLOG BELOW

Crossbow Cannibal: not mad, just bad The Sun News

Includes video

EVIL CAUGHT ON CAMERA

This time, the bad guy confessed. Quite frankly, I'm sure that he did it not out of any concern for the victims or their family. Sociopaths have no empathy. This guy wanted the fame (or rather, infamy), of being known as the "Crossbow Killer." His name is all over the papers in England. Without doing these crimes, he would never have achieved any sort of recognition on his own wherein his name would have become known. At the age of 40, he was still working towards his PhD in Psychology. His field of study was serial killers. Something tells me that his research would never have warranted any write-ups in academic journals.

He posted photos of himself shirtless on websites. On the surface, he appeared to be clean cut. Look a little deeper, and he had issues. He had a violent past. He had assaulted his previous girlfriends, to the point that one lived in fear of him. He had been caught shop-lifting and had slashed the throat of somebody. I would suggest that such an act is attempted murder, no? As late as l992, he had held a knife to a girl. Yet, he was still allowed to enter and pursue academic work in Psychology. I have to ask if somebody would, at some point, have allowed this man to set up shop and practice? One has to wonder if he didn't study psychology because he wanted to figure out what was wrong with himself. Perhaps there was something wrong in the family, early on, as his mother was convicted of benefits fraud (what they call welfare or social assistance).

I've blogged in the past about the missing women in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver. Because of their lifestyle and line of work, it was all to easy for so many of them to disappear before anybody paid attention. People saw them as a "vice" and not as a person. They became a stereotype and were judged as leading to their own demise.

I want people to look at these photos and think of what it must have been like for this woman, and for the others that he killed. Had this video surveillance not caught him, he would have gone on to do it again. In fact, only hours after killing, he tried to pick up another woman. She picked up bad "vibes" and left. I've also written of those "vibes"; those feelings that animals certainly have and we has humans do too. At times we don't want to be rude, and we override that sense which tells us to "get out of Dodge." That gut feeling is there for a reason---there are bad people in this world who mean us harm. Listen to that voice. Some of them look like really clean-cut people.

This guy was a student, who might have gone on to instruct, had he not been caught. Yet, he ate his victims; raw and cooked. Frankly, I think anybody who meets a stranger online is engaging in very risky conduct. He killed people in an apartment in a civilized city of millions. If that doesn't give people pause to think, I don't know what will.