The rant on Microsoft will go some way at explaining why I've not written for a year. To be honest, however, there is more. It was the proverbial annee horrible.
I have had nothing go right with anything I own. My pump went on my well and I had to replace it at significant cost. In the meantime, I had no water for a week and a half. I told people to stand well clear of me. There is still plumbing work to be done, as the water was so bad that large chunks of rust have plugged up my pipes and appliances. I am making do for the time being, as after the plumber's visit and even more car repairs, there wasn't much left to play with.
It has been one of those years where I have been forced to reevaluate a lot of things. Both of my parents had some serious health issues. They are wonderful people and I want to see them travelling and lounging about. They deserve so much more. I feel intense guilt about not spending enough time with them.
Something else that happened was that my friend died. I feel responsible for his death. I feel as though I failed him in some deep and profound way. He was a wonderful person who had been in the military at one time. He shared some of the things he'd witnessed with me. We were a team at work. We used to eat our lunch together and we'd talk about any and all topics. It could be music, or the talent of Kevin Spacey or even (one day), the poem "Paradise Lost." He was a big man, sporting many tattoos. Yet, he would come over to my house and put on a pair of leather gloves for rough play. It's not what you think. He'd get on his hands and knees and engage one of my cats in a rousing game of chase. After he was spent, and sweating up a storm, the cat would walk over and lick him on his balding head. The game was over. We used to joke about our meal break and refer to it as the "lunch of losers", as oppossed to the "breakfast of champions". He'd drink his regular Pepsi while I would drink my diet. He told me that I was his best friend, other then his wife.
We had a pact. After work one day, he called me up. This man, who had witnessed burnt bodies in the military and dealt with other horrors, was breaking up. One of his cats was on the floor and he didn't think he could check it out. I went over and unfortunately, the cat had died suddenly for no reason. I took it to the vet to be cremated, as he was not able to do so. That's when we came up with our understanding. Should anything ever happen to the others pets, the other person would deal with it. We also agreed that the other would look after the pets in our wills, should all parties die.
I shared a few bad incidents with this man, and we helped each other through them. We had a strong bond. There wasn't much that we didn't share.
Things can change in an instant. We were broken up as a team and he began to feel isolated. It became harder for him to come to work without me as his partner. There were rumours as to why we had been broken up as a team. He began to go home halfway through his shift. One day, he fell and injured himself. On top of his existing medical issue, that was it for him. A combination of medications killed him.
I think of him all the time. Oddly, if I do sleep, I dream about his cat. I dream of being in the hallway of his apartment and not being able to get in. I miss him so much. I think of how we used to laugh and how well we worked together. I failed him in that I was going through some difficult issues at work and I wasn't functioning as well as I should. Because it seemed to take everything that I had to show up and earn my oats, I would spend my days off in the same pair of sweat pants, not getting anything done and not talking to anybody. There was nothing left of me. I knew that the medicatiion was hurting him but I didn't stop him from using them. I did not see him enough. I really would give anything to do it again.
So, I guess that's what this year has been about. The realization that those close to us can disappear in an instant. It was odd, but the night he died, I happened to be reading a poem by Allen Ginsberg called "Kaddish". When I heard the news in the morning, a line came back to me and I used it at his memorial. A year later I still recall parts of it..."...rest. No more suffering for you. I know where you've gone, it's good." I just hope that he never really believed in our "lunch of losers" talk. That's the last thing he was.
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