IT WOULD NEVER WORK

Company presses your ashes into vinyl when you die

`````I was reading the "Unexplained Mysteries" Website (okay, I admit it), when I came upon this article. If you don't want to link onto it, here's a quick rundown. When you die, this company will press your ashes into a vinyl record, and add your voice to it, or your favourite song or your last will and testament. I know it wouldn't work. Since nothing quite works for me in life, it would surely screw up in the afterlife as well.

`````For example, the last time I went to the Doctor, I found out that I didn't exist. Not only didn't I have an appointment (one needs to book a month in advance), but there was no record of my ever having been there before. I insisted that I had indeed been there before. When they walked over and found the paper file, they realized that perhaps their computer had made a mistake. No kidding. I felt like I was in that Sandra Bullock movie. A while back I had taken pains to order an air conditioner that was not made in China from Sears. I paid extra to ensure that didn't happen. It took five weeks for it to show up and after lugging the portable room to room machine up the stairs by myself and setting it up, I found that they'd sent me the made in China variety, yet charged me for the made in North America variety. When I called to complain, the woman on the other end said they might not reimburse me. Of course, by this time, everything was sold out. When they later called me and woke me up to sell me the extended product warranty, which of course I'd now need, seeing that I had the made in China junk, I told them not to call me again, and the woman hung up on me. Good service.

`````Have you ever tried to call and get a trades person to show up at your house? Have they come at the time they said they would? Okay, you get my point. Now, let's just imagine that you're going to place your ashes into somebody's hands. It's for certain going to be screwed up. For all eternity, they would embed me into some stinking Britney Spears song. It would just be my luck that I would then discover that there was an afterlife after all. I would be stuck spinning around to her, or Debby Boone, rather then Joy Division, which is rather more befitting my personality. Oh, the horror. To think that there would be no escape from having to listen for all eternity to that racket...that prefabricated canned music. See, there really is a hell after all.