IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME

`````I blogged a while ago about a rat at work. Well, here's what happened to me. I've mentioned before that my mother doesn't drive, and that she looks forward to my visits. My father, as do many males of a certain age, lacks the shopping gene. Mom likes it when I come out, as she can take her time. On this occasion, I had gotten home late and had thus left as many items in the vehicle as I could. I went to work, firm in the belief that the dried goods would be okay until I could unload them when my shift was over. Unfortunately, my door doesn't always close that great.

`````There's a rodent population around my work site. The feral cats do a pretty good job and at times it looks like the killing fields of Cambodia out there. On this particular night, it was rather cold. The windchill was nasty, and I guess the rat saw good digs when he recognized it. He was like the homeless bum who spotted a parked limo with a liquor cabinet inside of it, unlocked.

`````I got home that morning, walked out to get the groceries, and there he was. I don't really have a startle reflex, so I didn't jump. I merely tried to shoo the beast out, and thought that I had done so. That is, until I found the gum wrapper chewed apart later that week. Then, he puncured a hole in my Diet Pepsi bottle. I guess he was thirsty and needed a caffeine fix. It turns out that this guy was also a junkie. I'd dropped a Tylenol One (it contains a bit of codeine) on the floor months previously, and it had been there since. One day, it was just gone. I would think that a rat must have gotten a pretty good nod from one pill. It was gone with the entire roll of Sweet Tarts that had been left on the counter. He'd tried to drag off my leopard print chiffon scarf too.

`````Things came to a head one day when I was parked at the main street in my small town. I came out of a store and he was sitting on the counter, staring out the window, visible to all who walked by. Now, I know that people at work already talk about me because of the amount of cats that I have. I didn't need this looming over my head as well. This thing looked like Williard. He was lurking like some gargoyle.

`````When I got home I tried to get Lumpy to the vehicle to scare him off. Lumpy began to kick his feet and wail and bleet. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. So much for that. I can only assume that the cat was under the impression that it was vet time. I drove to the store to purchase live traps, but they were obviously intended for little mice. I continued to find evidence of the rat, and anybody looking into my vehicle would see live mice traps.

`````One day, after seeing him runnng around, I parked the car outside of the garage, left every window and door open, and left food beside the vehicle. I'd made sure there hadn't been anything to eat or drink inside for days. I haven't seen him since. I figure that he made a run for it after the starvation rations.

`````Yes, something that could only happen to me.

ART BY AUDOBON