SAYING SORRY, BUT TO WHOM AND HOW?

THE VIDEO IS 'DOUBTS EVEN HERE' A SONG BY NEW ORDER, WHICH IS FROM ONE OF MY FAVOURITE ALBUMS. IT IS ALMOST MAJESTIC IN ITS DESPAIR.

`````Lately, I find myself thinking a lot of redemption; not in the religious sense, but whether one can forgive oneself. Actually, the question should more aptly be: is there forgiveness for the actions that one has done to others? For, it's up to those hurt to grant us that reprieve. Perhaps that is why so many find comfort in following the steps as prescribed by various programs based on the tenants of Alcoholics Anonymous. Two of the steps deal directly with this issue:

`````08) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. `````09) Made direct amends to such people whereever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

`````But, to quote Shakespeare, "There's the rub." It isn't fair to involve anybody in my drama, merely to make myself feel better. Perhaps they've tried to forget themselves, or they no longer want to speak with me. The worst is that this is a solace that one is unable to seek from beyond the grave. I don't believe in paying an individual good money to channel spirits and be told that "All is forgiven." I don't buy it. New age forgiveness to me is as believable as the absolution granted within the confessional.

`````So, what is one to do then? Is it ever enough---the suffering I mean? How much do you have to hurt yourself or deny yourself to even the score? It can never undo the pain of others. Is it even possible to keep some sort of cosmic karma balance? I really don't think that sleeping in the proverbial hair shirt would ever do it.

`````I find it difficult to believe how it is that some feel no guilt. I've met many of them; those that can do true evil unto others and wonder only if there's going to be anything good on television that night. I don't see them suffering at all for what they've done. I, on the other hand, find it impossible to turn that switch off.

`````I've written about an event which took place my last year in high-school and which pushed me into studying criminology. There was a party at which a girl was killed. Many people who were at the party knew who had done it, yet kept silent. These were middle class kids from normal families. There was no gang involvement. What kept them quiet all those years? Even at the reunion, somebody got drunk and started to rant about knowing who it was that killed her. He was quickly hushed up by somebody and told that "it was an accident." The guilty individual finally came to trial, thanks to cold case work and DNA evidence. But, didn't these people feel guilt, especially after they began to have children of their own? How and why would a woman, especially, cover for an individual who sexually assaulted and killed a girl of 15? These were the kids I went to school with---they weren't monsters from some inner city's rough streets.

`````The poet Anne Sexton wrote often about such issues. She called the place she envisioned "Mercy Street." Her family, numerous fans, looks worthy a modeling contract and a Pulitzer Prize would not allow her to find that haven. In the end, she mistook oblivion and obliteration for the comfort she'd hoped to find in that mythical place. For, the damage had been done early and in her poem "All My Pretty Ones", she forgives those who had hurt her, yet it wasn't enough. Anne never forgave herself of an injury she believed she'd delivered onto somebody very dear to her. She feared that her actions had driven her beloved Nana into an asylum. In the end, Anne cuddled up with her mother's fur coat, held it tight, and died in the garage with the engine running. Yet, this solution only served to hurt her two daughters and her myriad of friends. There's no absolution in that final action.

`````I always find myself asking why it is that so many people hurt themselves after they've been subjected to abuse of any type. I think that a large part of it has to do with internalizing the guilt. For, in some sick way, there is control in that. It's very scary to a kid to think that something bad might happen again. In blaming oneself, one assumes the burden of control. "If I caused it by being bad, it won't happen again if I don't repeat the action." How many girls go on to hurt themselves via denying their bodies food or a decent relationship? Nobody wants to think that they are at the whim and mercy of others---that's a scary place. Better to have been bad and deserved it. And of course, if you were bad, you deserve to be punished.

`````Others won't know, of course, what motivated the withdrawl, for the child victim so often doesn't tell anybody. This silence in itself, becomes a source of pain in later years. Obviously, those who cared about you merely think that you weren't interested or that they'd done something to cause that wall of silence to be erected. People don't understand that little kids can be severely depressed. It's often the start of the pretending---people want to see happy, shiny, smiling faces. This requires an incredible amount of energy to fake every day. At some point, there's a price to be paid for this trickery. A person may develop ways to assist with the false front. It's too bad there's no Academy Award for this, as the price and road there was probably as hard as it was for anybody picking up the real statue.

`````Yet, the forgiveness still does not come; that peace with oneself is impossible to attain. How disgusting that those who caused the pain in the first place feel none of this angst.