A MEMBER OF THE WEDDING

When my friend got married, I was a member of the wedding party. That's happened a couple of times, but this time it was different. You know how they always tell you that this time you can reuse the dress? Well, I couldn't; this time it was a rental. This time, it wasn't a dress either. Finally, this time, I was the best man.

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I had known my friend for years. We had become close at work, where we ended up on the same rotation. It turns out that we had an odd connection and our paths had crossed before. We were both into the music scene and we'd been to the same parties, gone to the same clubs, known the same people. So, when it was time for him to get married, he asked me to stand beside him.

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It was hilarious when it came time to rent the tux. We went to a bridal boutique in a town which is very religious. Until a couple of years ago, they'd had a bylaw forbidding stripping. Somebody had to take it to court in order to allow it under the Charter of Rights. There are still some names which appear over and over in the telephone book. There are two families who are forever marrying each other. But, I digress yet again.

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As we entered the bridal boutique, a smiling woman swooped down upon us from somewhere amidst a wall of chiffon and lace. Despite what they say about the world of brides maids's dresses having changed, it still consists of the ugly and the heidious. It's Easter Bunny colours galore and made to torture. The dresses are either sleeveless for those whose upper arms look like they could flap away, or they have poufed arms that only Little Bow Peep could love. I have a conspiracy theory that they're ugly on purpose so that the bride shines.

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The sales woman smiled at me, that phony polished look they have. She had obviously watched her fair share of beauty pageants. I could tell that she took me for the future little Mrs. She began to herd me towards the section of the store with the white ensembles.

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"No," I informed her. "I'm the best man. I'm here with the groom and we're both looking to rent a tux." It really took a while for her brain to process this information. I watched as the knowledge finally settled into her cerebral cortex. It turned out that they had nothing that small in the store, so something would have to be ordered in for me. She got a tape measurer out and started writing down figures. Alas, it sucks to be short.

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About a month later, the tux was in and I had to go try it on. When I walked into the store, it suddenly got silent and the sales women leaned into each other. As I exited the dressing room, I could see people throughout the store watching me.

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Her family hadn't placed the wedding announcement in the paper, so I took it upon myself to do it. I guess there was some talk in the town about that one. Not only did I, his female "best man" place the announcement, but I stated that his cat very much approved of his choice. Well, he did. She's a great person and he's a very picky cat.

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The stag was interesting. I really didn't want to intrude on guy's night out, so I said that I'd drive all of the rest of them, so that everybody could drink, and then I'd find a way to entertain myself. They insisted that I come along. I went out for dinner with them, but felt they'd be more comfortable getting lap dances if I wasn't there. I then met up with them at a comedy club. Me and a bunch of guys out on a stag. You can just imagine the fodder for the comedian.

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I think it's crap when they say that men and women cannot be friends. The two of us have gone on vacation together even after my buddy got married and everything is above board. I know that people gossip about it, but his wife doesn't care. She knows me and our attitude is "if small towns has to equate with small minds", that isn't our problem. In today's world, when women enter nontraditional jobs, we're bound to form bonds with males. People need to get used to that concept.