SURVIVOR SHIVERS

`````A word on the Survivor TV series here. I cancelled my cable as I was fed up with reality television. Why is every one of these shows set in a tropical locale? That's actually a rhetorical question as the answer is obvious. There's a lot of beautiful places on this planet where this show could base itself. Not all of them exist between the Tropic of Cancer and Capricorn.

`````If they really want to have these people do anything remotely challenging or approaching true problem solving, how about sticking them in a colder climate for once? Let's see them actually work at building shelter, gathering wood for fire and staying warm? I'll tell you why it won't happen. It's not sexy to watch somebody who's bundled up like Nanook of the North. None of these contestents, or very few at least, look like real people. Somehow they all want to find their niche in "the industry." They're models or gym rats. Between the peroxide, botox and silicone, they are a hazardous waste site all unto themselves. It's a place where the vapid, vicious girls of high school have formed a team with the muscled and mental jocks. It's my version of Sartre's "No Exit." The hellish nightmare from which I cannot awaken.

`````The Survivor of the North would not work because most of these people don't have the smarts to rub two sticks together. When we put them in a bikini and call running over a log in a lagoon a challenge, it may distract the viewer in the same way a crow is distracted by a shiny object. It really isn't all that hard, though. Now, trucking in snow or taking them to the top of a mountain and having them build an igloo so that they wouldn't freeze as a challenge is hard (cue evil laughter at this point). The viewer puts up with alot more whining when it's done by hot looking, half naked people. Not so when it's a person in a parka with soot on their face. They all look 300 pounds in Northface Gear and whining becomes, well...just like one's home life and not so endearing. Viewers would disappear like flies under the ultraviolet zapper.

`````Oh yes, the flies. Horse flies, black flies, deer flies, mosquitoes, hornets and wasps. I'm glad that I didn't forget about them. It's not always cold in the northern climes. It can get darn nice in the day time, and one of the women might get it into her head to use that as an excuse to strip down. After all, doesn't everybody gather wood in their bra and panties? There would probably be some ensuing scandal because they'd be trying to bribe one of the tech or crew guys; sexual favours for a can of DEET spray. I digress, but why do the boom and camera guys always have to have cutsie nicknames (Mike "the terror" Peterson). Read the credits sometimes and you'll see what I mean.

`````Seriously, as a Girl Guide, we had to carry heavy white canvas tents, ground sheets and rope with which to lash sticks in order to hold up that darned canvas. We had to dig trenches around the tent, which slept several people. If little girls could do it, I would think Mr Musclehead and adult women could do it, plastic implants or not. I do forsee a broken acrylic nail or two, especially if they have the fake dingle-ball attachments (as I call all the bells and whistles some women stick onto their nails). Come on Survivor, give it a shot.