THE DENIAL OF NEED

~~~~~I had a friend phone from back east and we talked for about four hours again. In doing so, it solidified something for me.

~~~~~I realized that somewhere along the way I equated the need for help or assistance, especially in regards to physical and mental health, with weakness or failure. Conversely, doesn't this also mean that I feel some degree of contempt for people who don't hold their needs in check? Won't I, therefore, look down on people who crave an emotional connection? And what if it's directed towards wanting something from me? How can I then respect that person? There mere fact that they are interested in me then somehow makes them flawed and suspect.

~~~~~There's a belief that smart people should be able to fix their own problems, but it just means that smart people can over analyze them to death. An intelligent person need not know anything about pipes, so there's no shame in calling in the plumber when there's a leak. Why not ask for help when it's of the emotional variety? I guess not having control of the toilets isn't as scary as not having control of the internal crap. Bizarre how I'd pick the plumber metaphor. I guess it's actually quite Freudian. I equate emotions and needs with waste matter---both embarrassing things that one does not talk about; best dealt with in private. Both bad things to be gotten rid of. Dirty.

~~~~~Then it really hit me. We always say that Eating Disorders are about control. Well, what if they are more about the denial of need. Because need is scary. It gives others the power to disappoint, and invariably they do. People are human and will let you down. But, how come I can see that fallibility in others and accept it yet not allow that imperfection in myself?

~~~~~It is impossible to predict the behavior of other people, so it's best to avoid them. You tell yourself that you don't care or need them. When it gets impossible to live that way, just channel that energy on food instead. I do not need even that which is most basic to human survival. Yet, the experts have also concluded that we need human touch and close bonds. So won't the outcome of shutting down emotionally be the same as rejecting nutrition? It just seems to be part of a self destructive pattern that was meant as a coping mechanism but now destroys and isolates.

~~~~~Obviously, we can fixate on our jobs, or cleaning or any other crazed activity that we choose to replace the actual thing that we need. At the end of the day it does not serve us; we remain disconnected from people and events around us and guarded emotionally. It's very limiting and frustrating when the solution seems so simple. I sometimes think that my life is like trying to get that air bubble out from behind a picture which I've mounted. I try to fix it, but it just moves around and doesn't go away. It's always there beneath the surface. So, while I may no longer be starving, I am doing something else. I am certainly not doing it with another human being. My anxiety or depression, like that air bubble trapped under the photo, just keeps popping up in other ways.

`````"Sticks and stones may Break my Bones,

``````But names will never hurt me." Perhaps one of the biggest lies to come out of childhood. For those names that people call themselves, and how they attempt to silence those voices, can ruin their lives.